Can you detect a good romantic relationship? Of course nobody knows what truly goes on between any couple, but decades of scientific research into love, sex, and relationships have taught us that a variety of behaviors can foretell when a couple is on stable ground or headed for turbulent waters. Good connections don’t happen overnight. They take commitment, compromise, forgiveness and most of all – effort.
Love and Romance
Falling in love is the easy part. The difficulty for couples is how to rekindle the fires of romance from time to time and build the mature, trusting love that is the hallmark of an enduring partnership.
What’s Your Love Style?
When you say “I love you,” what do you mean?Terry Hatkoff, a California State University sociologist, has established a love scale that identifies six unique types of love observed in our closest relationships.
- Romantic: Based on emotion and sexual attraction
- Best Friends: Fondness and profound attachment
- Logical: Practical feelings based on common ideals, financial goals, religion etc.
- Playful: Feelings induced by flirtation or feeling challenged
- Possessive: Jealousy and obsession
- Unselfish: Nurturing, kindness, and sacrifice
Researchers have shown that the love we feel in our most committed relationships is generally a blend of two or three different forms of love. But often, two people in the same relationship can have very different ideas of how they define love. Dr. Hatkoff presents the example of a man and woman enjoying supper. The waiter flirts with the wife, but the husband doesn’t appear to notice, and talks about changing the oil in her automobile. The wife is disappointed her husband isn’t jealous. The husband believes his extra effort isn’t appreciated.
What does this have to do with love? The man and woman each define love differently. For him, love is practical, and is best conveyed by helpful gestures like car upkeep. For her, love is possessive, and a jealous response by her husband makes her feel cherished.
Understanding what makes your partner feel loved might help you negotiate conflict and infuse romance back into your relationship. If you realize your partner swings toward jealousy, make sure you notice when someone is flirting with him or her. If your partner is practical in love, note the many subtle ways he or she demonstrates love by taking care of everyday requirements.
Reignite Romance
Romantic love has been labeled a “natural addiction” because it activates the brain’s reward system — notably the dopamine pathways associated with drug addiction, alcohol and gambling. But the same pathways are also connected with novelty, energy, focus, learning, motivation, ecstasy and craving. No surprise we feel so enthusiastic and motivated when we fall in love!
But we all know that romantic, passionate love diminishes a bit with time, and (we hope) grows into a more happy sort of dedicated love. Even so, many couples desire to recapture the fires of early courtship. But is it possible?
The relationship researcher Arthur Aron, a psychology professor who runs the Interpersonal Relationships Laboratory at the State University of New York at Stony Brook, has found a solution. The secret? Do something new and interesting — and make sure you do it together. New experiences trigger the brain’s reward system, filling it with dopamine and norepinephrine. These are the same brain circuits that are triggered in early romantic love. Whether you attend a pottery class or go on a white-water rafting adventure, engaging your dopamine systems while you are together will help bring back the thrill you felt on your first date. In studies of couples, Dr. Aron has discovered that spouses who routinely share novel experiences report bigger boosts in marital happiness than those who just exchange nice but common events.
How to Keep a Romantic Relationship
It’s the simple things that matter in love relationships, as it is in so many other situations. Small, seemingly trivial gestures can help keep a relationship on track, just as a misspoken remark or strange look can drive a pair into a weeks-long fight. A small gift, an off-handed comment, or a brief physical contact can significantly improve a romantic relationship.
These small gestures of interest and affection, according to psychologists Nathaniel Branden and Robert Sternberg, who have both researched and written about the obstacles of romantic relationships, can be more significant than all the “active listening” and trust games in the world. According to their findings, there are ten keys to keeping both couples comfortable, pleased, and happy with one another.
1. Express your love for your mate.
Although actions speak louder than words, words frequently speak more plainly than actions. Every now and again, take a minute to express your feelings for your mate. A simple “I love you” or “You mean the world to me” can make your partner feel wanted, cared for, and comfortable in your relationship.
2. Exhibit affection.
Small acts of physical intimacy, such as brushing your hand against your partner’s small of the back in the hallway, wrapping your arm around their shoulder on the sofa, placing your hand on their thigh when seated side-by-side, and holding hands while walking down the street, give your partner a warm feeling and convey the love and affection you feel for them. Even the tiniest touch can be just as essential, if not more so, than the longest night of physical closeness.
3. Express appreciation to your partner.
Let your spouse know what you admire in them, what makes you proud of them, and what their strengths are in your eyes on a daily basis. Building a romantic relationship is about encouraging and supporting each other’s progress over the length of your life, not just the initial bonding. Assist your partner in realizing his or her full potential by consistently encouraging them.
4. Share yourself.
Don’t keep anything to yourself, including your loves and dislikes, hopes and worries, accomplishments and blunders. Share it with your partner if it’s essential to you. More importantly, make it a point to share more with your partner than with anyone else. While some personal space is necessary in even the most intimate relationships, offer your spouse as much of yourself and your time as you can.
5. Be available to your partner.
When your partner experiences a huge life challenge, such as the loss of a job or the death of a loved one, it’s obvious what you should do. But it’s just as vital to be there for your partner when they encounter life’s tiny setbacks, such as a work disagreement, a difficult commute, or a misplaced check. Don’t be a doormat, and don’t put up with physical or verbal abuse, but toughen your skin a little and be the voice of reason and calm when pandemonium arises. Listen to what they’re going through and offer whatever assistance you can, even if it’s just sympathy.
6. Give gifts.
Take advantage of opportunities to show your devotion with tangible gifts. Anything small or huge that shows you were thinking of them, such as the perfect book picked up at the bookshop, a particular meal, a piece of jewelry or apparel you observed in the store. Leave a love letter for them or send them an “I love you” SMS at work — the small reminder that they’re on your mind will make your spouse feel better about themselves and comfortable in your relationship.
7. Be gracious in the face of your partner’s requests and flaws.
Unreasonable expectations are a major romantic relationship killer. Unless you married a robot, your mate comes with a slew of human flaws and foibles pre-installed. These are not defects, but rather features! Recognize and value your partner’s peculiarities for what they are: an important element of who they are as individuals. Because our imperfections are often at the root of our deepest insecurities, don’t single out or go out of your way to point out your partner’s flaws.
8. Make “alone time” a priority in your life.
Make a point of spending at least one evening a week or two alone together, no matter how busy both of your lives are. Have new experiences, tell each other tales, and simply enjoy each other’s company.
9. Don’t ever take something for granted.
Gratitude for your partner and the multitude of small blessings he or she has brought into your life should be cultivated on a daily basis. Remember that if you’re in a happy romantic relationship, your spouse is doing a thousand little things for you every day to keep it going (as, hopefully, you are for them). Never take that for granted – a relationship takes a tremendous amount of work, and the moment you stop working on it, it begins to slip away.
10. Make an effort to achieve equality.
In your relationship, make sure you follow the Golden Rule: do unto your partner as you would have done unto yourself. Strive for a fair allocation of household duties and other responsibilities, and don’t expect or demand anything in return that you wouldn’t be ready to provide.
